Impostor Syndrome

A couple of weeks ago Maykel Loomans made some tweets that have had me thinking and doing a lot of self reflection since.





I am not creative. I have been called a creative more times than I can count over the last 7 or so years. I have often lied to myself and said that I am. What weighs on me more are the many times I have agreed with others that I am. I’ve often wondered how I have come so far in a career as a designer without really being creative. I suppose mostly I feel that faking it will carry me pretty far, and so far it has. I’ve definitely traveled far in a creative field without very much creativity. It’s something I have wished for, envied, and tried to obtain. Regardless of my efforts I remain devoid of the creative thinking I see in so many of my colleagues or those that I draw inspiration from. Many days I feel like a hack, a kind of vampire, just picking things I enjoy and emulating them. I pull from the creativity of others to inform my decisions, not contributing in any way. My sense of creativity is like a huge cloud. It’s edges are soft and it’s contents are thoroughly mixed until I have no real inclination of where any of it came from. I just pull from my cloud and quilt together a collection of ideas that can’t really be considered my own.

I’m sure many creatives have their own clouds, their own wells of inspiration they use to shape and form their own creative ideas. My struggle is I have always lacked the ability to be more abstract in my implementation. I look at so many artists and creative thinkers who dream up interesting characters, or view our world with a lens I can’t begin to understand, and feel a tinge of jealousy. How do their brains work? Where does their ability to take reality and bend it to their whim come from? What am I overlooking that more creative thinkers pick up on so quickly and repurpose in such unimaginable ways? What makes their thought process so different from mine? Why am I doomed to be so analytical, so grounded in realism that I am incapable of escaping its grasp for just a moment to create something truly unique?

Creativity is perhaps a spectrum, and perhaps I might be comparing my complete life achievements to so many highlight reels. Regardless I feel a great disconnect between what I want to be creatively and what I am creatively. Thus far I have been able to use my analytical nature to appear creative. In school, where I studied 3D animation and related materials, I preferred to emulate. I focused my time on recreating realistic lighting, textures, and objects. But emulating reality doesn’t much require creativity, as much as it does carful study. Often I would emulate less realistic things, but these things were characters or objects some other creative had already dreamed up, it was just my goal to execute them in a new medium. In my career as a designer I often times just regurgitated bits and pieces of others creativity into what could be perceived as a new thing. I made a parallax scrolling blog post way back before the ubiquity of parallax effect on the web, I even implemented differently from Nike, but the concept wasn’t my own. I sometimes wonder if my ability to execute technical things is just the ability I am saddled with and I simply wish for a different one. Is creativity a process that can be learned?

I try to branch out to other outlets for creativity. Photography, painting, and surprisingly dance are all things that I have tried to apply creative thinking to, yet continually fall into the same pattern of collecting and reapplying. I’ve learned to embrace my lack of unrestrained thinking. I have even learned to enjoy applying a technical and analytical approach to my work and other pursuits. For my lack of creativity it appears that I have been wired to focus on details, to deconstruct everything I see, and to relentlessly pursue improvement. To be fair I don’t think those are traits that many creatives lack, however it is the method in which I apply those traits that makes me different. I am incapable of disconnecting those traits from my less imaginative processes. At nearly 30 years of self discovery and growth I am just now really coming to accept I may not really be as creative as I hoped, or even as others may perceive me. Conversely I may just be more creative than I have understood. I’ve spent so much time wishing for some ideal model of creative thinking I had overlooked my own personal creative developments.

I am learning to understand that creative fields need all kinds of thinkers. I love working with the creatives whom I have often wished I could share their brilliant abstracted thoughts. My own creative inclinations may not be my ideal but I am not without creative ability. While I may not be inventing some radical new user interface, or the next app that changes the world, I can apply my own process to refining those ideas. I may not be the painter or the sculptor, or the inventor of the next app UI that sets the bar, but maybe I can be the guy who digs into his cloud and thinks of something you’ve never seen before.

This entry was posted in Words.